Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Learn about love and life

Today I talked to my mother because I felt bad again for not being married and having children. Mommy said it's all right and she accepts my decision as long as I'm happy. She told me not to worry. 

I told her that I always think of the future. She said that I don't have to think too far, because I can be prepared for every situation as it arises. I told her that I like to read ahead so that I know what to do.

I also told her that never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would be a lawyer. I just want to read a lot. Mommy said that I should be happy because I did something beyond my dreams.

Mommy also told me to stop reading too much and losing sleep. Here, I cried and said that I love reading. I enjoy reading and it makes me happy. I think Mommy understands me now about reading.

Here are the lessons that I learned from talking with Mommy:

1. Do not compare yourself to others.

2. Pray and trust God in every situation.

3. Do what you love. Do not worry about it.

I also talked to Mommy about dating because I hated the idea of dating and having sex. Mommy said that if the right person comes, they will love me for being myself. So I hope that he will love that I read.

Thank you, Mommy, for loving and understanding me!

Monday, December 29, 2014

I want to know you

"bedtime story:"

"i want to know your birthday" April 7

"and your parents jobs" retired military officers

"and if you ever heard them fighting or having sex" yes

"and if you love your siblings" yes

"and the worst fight you’ve ever gotten into" about a girl hitting him

"and if you like one sibling more than the other" no

"and what you wanted to be when you grew up when you were seven" read a lot

"and your dream vacation" travel the world 

"and the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you" defecate on a bus 

"and if you’ve been to therapy" no

"and if it helped" not applicable 

"and the hardest thing you’ve experienced" being left by my father

"and how you overcame it" prayed to God and supported my mother 

"and if you like what you see when you look in the mirror" yes

"and if you think appearances matter in a relationship or at all" yes for a man, not for me

"and your favorite movie" Up

"and which books changed your life" Bible, Purpose Driven Life, Conversations with God

"and the hardest you’ve ever cried" my father left us

"and which grandparent you loved the most" my maternal grandfather

"and if the words “we need to talk” make you sick to your stomach" no

"and why" the truth will set us free 

"and which holiday is your favorite" Christmas 

"and which season" spring

"and which color" black

"and if you like rain" no

"and if you’re scared of dying" no

"and if you believe in god" yes

"and if you have allergies" no

"and to what" none

"and what your favorite food is" chocolate 

"and restaurant" Pancake House

"and if you like to cook" no

"and whether or not you care about cleanliness" yes

"and what your political views are" centrist to libertarian

"and if you’re a feminist" yes

"and your favorite flower" sunflower

"and song" Happy birthday!

"and if you’d rather own a cat or a dog" cat

"and if you’d shave off all your hair to give it to a little girl going through chemotherapy" yes

"and where you’d like to live" Manila, Tagaytay, Baguio, Dumaguete, Davao, Washington, London, San Francisco, and New York

"and honeymoon" Palawan and Paris

"and what kind of gum and candy you like" chocolate

"and what you act like when you’re mad" stay silent

"and if you’d rather someone buy you silver or gold jewelry or neither" neither

"and what clique you were in in high school" nerd

"and what you think your spirit animal is" cat

"and which flower you’d be" sunflower

"and who you admire" my mother

"and which traits you wish were more dominant" courage

"and if you ever worry you’re a shitty person" yes

"and what hurt you the most" my father left us

"and why you ever thought you were worthless" can't talk to people beyond "hello"

"and how someone can make you feel better when you’re sad" smile at me or say "it will get better" or hug me if we're close

"and if you prefer hugs or kisses" hugs

"and what your house looks like" small house in the city where I can walk to everywhere

"and what your dream car is" electric car by Tesla

"and which celebrity you think lives the most tragic life" Lindsay Lohan

"and why you think people become so cold" pain, hurt, and suffering

"and what you think about nature vs nurture" nurture trumps nature

"and if you believe in heaven" yes

"and aliens" yes

"and mermaids"  no

"and reincarnation" yes

"and the bible" yes

"and which feeling is your least favorite" anger

"and what was the best day you ever had" graduated from college, got my transcript from law school, and finished the bar exam

"and what would be the best day" pass the bar, get married, have children

"and if you see yourself as the protector or one who needs protecting" needs protecting

"and how you deal with your pain" reflect, pray

"and what you would do if you had 100 million dollars" invest, live on interest, share with family, give to church and charities,

"and if you think wealth affects people’s morals" yes

"and what good you think writing is" clears my thoughts

"and if you could do it all over, would you" I should have not lied about my last semester in Georgetown

"and what would you change" I should have taken a leave of absence

"and what mistake was your biggest" not telling the truth to my parents about not attending classes

"and which language you wish you spoke fluently" Ilocano

"and how many people you’ve loved" none romantically

"and if you loved the person you lost your virginity to" not applicable

"and if you realize you’re remarkable" yes

"and what your enneagram is" I don't know

"and how you think we could improve the education system" let children learn what they want.

"and what you think of people who commit suicide" they're in a lot of pain.

"and if you think they’re selfish" no for most because they're in pain

"and what you say to them before they did it if you could" You're in pain. Let's do something to make your pain better.

"and what your favorite memory of your childhood is" reading, playing, and watching

"and how you take your tea" milk tea

"or if you prefer coffee" no

"and when you last wrote someone a handwritten letter" this Christmas to family

"and what the best gift you ever received was" forgiveness

"and what the best piece of advice was" Health is wealth. God never sleeps. 

"and when the last time you cried was" this month

"and if you’re competitive about board games" yes

"and which is your favorite" mahjong

"and if you feel pressured to settle down" yes

"and what you notice first in a person" smile if they're happy

"and what your top three pet peeves are" cruelty, dishonesty, shamelessness

"and if you have any phobias" pistanthrophobia, fear of trusting people

"and what you’ve always wanted to do but don’t have the courage to go through with" marry and have children

"and what you do when you feel overwhelmingly sad" pray, cry

"and if you ski" no

"and if plastic surgery was 100% safe and painless, would you get it"  no

"and where" none

"and why" not applicable

"and where you think home is" Montgomery and Taguig

"and if you think politeness is important" yes

"and what you think of indecisive people" like me 

"and if you think there’s ever a reason to go to war" yes, self-defense 

"and something that scares you" abandonment 

"and if you believe in therapy" yes 

"and what you want in life" happiness 

"and what you look for in a partner" faith, hope, and love 

"and what you want to change about yourself" have courage 

"and about the world" faith, hope, and love

"and who you want to be" be faithful and hopeful

"and who you are." be love.

"just tell me who you are.” Joy

"—I want to know you by @thewastedgeneration"

Sunday, December 28, 2014

Talk about insomnia, submission, and writing

I usually sleep before midnight here in Alabama because I do not have work or school. But yesterday, I slept at 1:30 am. I was just on Facebook greeting people and on Fictionpress and Fanfiction reading stories. I hope to sleep earlier during the next few days.

I have been reading articles about submission because I feel that I am a submissive person. It turns out that it is fine to be a submissive wife, so this is good practice for me.

One of the tips for submissives is to keep a blog so that the dominant can know her thoughts. I'm keeping one now even though I really need a lot of improvement in my writing. If I marry, I will show my husband this blog. I hope he can help me improve my writing.

This blog is supposed to be about self-help, but I'm just happy to write a few sentences a few times each month. The important thing for me is to write. Write often. Write anything. Just write.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Have a merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to everyone!

Monday was cleaning day.

Tuesday was shopping and cleaning day. We shopped at Walmart and ate at Subway. 

Wednesday was cleaning and cooking day. We got pictures of the house and ate nilaga for lunch and spaghetti and ham for dinner.

Thursday was Christmas! We heard mass at Saint Peter, cooked vegetables, ate lunch at our friend's house, and exercised. 

Friday was banking and shopping day. Mother closed her bank account in Georgia. We shopped at outlet stores and dined out in Jump Asia and Waffle House.

Saturday was rest, exercise, and cooking day. We made leche flan but it was too bland for my mother.

Tomorrow is Sunday. We will hear mass, go to Selma, and get groceries.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Say hello

I was reading the blog, The Rules Revisited, by Andrew because I am so shy and scared of men. One blog post starts that I should not start with being worried about talking men. I should begin by being sociable.

"You need to do something similar to overcome shyness. First, find out where your nerves start, that is, where your self-consciousness sets in. 
Wherever your nerves start, that is where you need to make your first step towards becoming more social."

I get nervous with strangers. I just stay silent and say hello or "excuse me" when I meet strangers. I do not talk to people unless they talk to me first.

"And the key is to make that first step a small one, one you can manage. So, for example, if you start to get self-conscious or shy about talking to strangers, make it a goal to talk to three strangers a day. If that is too daunting a task, step it back a notch and just make a point of merely saying hello to three strangers a day, or maybe just one a day."

I can say hello to one stranger when I go out of the house. I can exercise in the morning, find tutoring work during the day, and say hello to neighbors when I walk home. I can do this for one to two months.

"Once you get comfortable (and I won't pretend this will happen overnight) with interacting with strangers, move on to growing comfortable interacting with guys. Put yourself in situations where you will talk to guys you don't know, even if it is just while you are checking out at a store."

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Monday, December 22, 2014

Write what happens

The other Sunday, we heard mass at Saint Peter, ate at Ruby Tuesday, and shopped at Mr. Chen.

Last Tuesday, we shopped at Winn Dixie.

Every weekday last week, I exercised but I did not lose weight. In fact, I gained weight. I'm changing my exercise goal: to become stronger.

Last Saturday, we heard mass at EWTN, ate breakfast at Waffle House, toured the Shrine of the Most Blessed Sacrament, had lunch at The Fish Market, shopped at Chai, visited our aunt's home in Birmingham, and ate dinner at Carrabas.

Yesterday, we heard mass at Saint Peter, ate snacks at the community center, shopped at the commissary at Maxwell Air Force Base, and ate lunch at Burger King.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Explain why

I read a lot so I search for explanations for the things that I have. For example, I have cystic acne, persistent dandruff, and a hairy body. Because I already know I have polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), I look for the symptoms of my illness. True enough, I found all three charcteristics as symptoms of PCOS.

I also ask people to explain themselves. It must be something I learned while in law school. Yesterday, my mother said that I was gullible after I said that I felt cynical about love. So I asked her how I can be gullible and cynical at the same time when they are opposites. Then I realized that I can be gullible because I have not experienced a lot of things, but I can be cynical at the same time because I have read a lot about the bad things in love.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Describe your family in myth

My father is Odysseus, but he is still with Calypso.

My mother is Demeter before her daughter is abducted.

I am Artemis because I do not want men.

My older brother is Apollo for he sees all things.

My younger brother is Poseidon because he shakes the earth.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Cook for life

I help my mother in preparing and cooking food, but I seldom cook food from scratch. The only times that I cook food is when I cook for myself. I make pancakes, French toast, noodles, mac and cheese, spaghetti, and pasta.

I am not confident about cooking food for other people because my taste is bland. I do not like sour, salty, or bitter food. I seldom put sour or salty sauces in my food or use dressings in my salads. So I leave the cooking to people with better taste than me. I just eat less of the food that I do not like, or maybe eat none at all.

My mother says that I would become better at cooking when I have an opportunity or need to cook. Right now, my mother, my cousin, and my brothers are better cooks than I am because they have better taste. Maybe when I have my own family, I will cook better. Mother says that even if I cannot taste well, I can still learn by following recipes.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Be productive

Yesterday and today were productive days.

Yesterday, we heard mass at St. Peter, ate at Ruby Tuesdays, and shopped at Mr. Chen's oriental store.

Today, we exercised, washed, folded, and ironed our clothes. I read news and shared links.

Tomorrow, I hope to wake up at 6 am and exercise before breakfast. Then I can read news, review laws, write posts, and draw reality.

Monday, December 15, 2014

Remember that it's not your fault

I just watched Oprah Winfrey. She was pregnant at 14 but her baby died. She felt guilty for a long time. At 42, when she was interviewing child molesters, she realized that she was sexually abused and what happened to her was not her fault.

In the same way, I'm realizing that what happened to my family (my father leaving us and voiding his marriage) is not my fault. I'm not guilty, I'm not to be blamed for it. I accept that it has happened and that I would make the best of my circumstances. Acceptance is a lifetime process.

Feel fat

This morning, I weighed 145 pounds.
One week ago, I weighed 140 pounds.
One month ago, I weighed 135 pounds.
Before I went here, I weighed 130 pounds.

I feel bad for gaining so much weight even though I still have a normal BMI.
I feel bad that I may have let myself go while I am on this vacation.
I exercise and hope to lose the fat in my tummy, not my butt.
I have been underweight most of my life, now I feel fat.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

List to remember

5. Fly. Visit home.

6. Shop at Costco. Meet Tita.

7. Hear mass at St. Mary. Ride Capital Wheel. Eat brunch at National Harbor. Visit home. Eat dinner at home. Sing karaoke.

8. Hear mass at Immaculate Conception. Eat lunch under basilica. Visit Cyprus Embassy. Eat dinner at Falls Church.

9. Visit Georgetown. Eat lunch at Safeway. Visit home near Baltimore.

10. Shop at Macy's. Return home.

11. Hear mass at St. Matthew. Eat breakfast at Panera Bread. Visit Georgetown. Take pictures near White House. Take bus home.

12. Visit Andrews. Eat brunch at Club. Shop at Tanger Outlet.

13. Be with relatives. Shop at CVS. Fly home.

Monday, December 08, 2014

Reflect on love

Last night, I masturbated three times. I felt sorry today and repented at mass today. I had hoped not to masturbate as a sacrifice for Advent. To prevent this, I will avoid going to Fictionpress and reading romance.

I remember a story about a man who loved a woman and thought about her all day when he woke up and until he slept at night. He confessed his unrequited love for the woman to a priest. The priest said, "What you're seeking is God."

I am afraid of love. I am afraid to be hurt and abandoned. I would rather masturbate and be alone than be married then later abandoned or be a burden to my husband. Maybe I am afraid that what happened to my parents (father left our family) would happen to me.

But Mommy said that her fate is different from mine. Just trust God will do the nest for us. So here's a drawing of mine of a family (or at least a man, a woman, and a child).

Friday, December 05, 2014

Live today

Monday is washing and packing day.

Tuesday is leaving, flying, and calling day.

Wednesday is washing, cleaning, and cooking day.

Thursday is configuring, washing, and packing day.

Monday, December 01, 2014

Prepare for the Lord

Today is the first Sunday of the Advent. I hope to be more generous (give $ 2 for offering), more chaste (do not masturbate), and more enlightened (read the gospel).