Friday, August 22, 2014

Face your anger and fear

I know this is a self-help blog and we should be optimistic.

But after my bar buddy told me to review faster, I have been reviewing less. I worked better reading morning subjects in two weeks and afternoon subjects in one week. I don't have the heart to tell him that I hate his suggestion. I hate lying to him that I finished studying when I haven't.

I'm venting here about my life and how I look bad in comparison to other people. I'm 31 years old, never married, and never had a boyfriend. I don't date men or look for men because I don't trust them in general.

My father left our family after being married to my mother for more than twenty years. So I don't just trust men, I relish the thought of killing them if they are cheating. I want to kill my father and all his mistresses. I hate that he lies a lot and that yesterday I lied to him.

So a lot of anger is holding me back from studying well. My insomnia is back with a vengeance. While I pray to pass and hope to top the bar, my actions are not in line with my beliefs.

Maybe I can just stop my need to pass the bar and focus on knowing the law. So tomorrow, I will just review a little of legal ethics. Then finish writing my exams for remedial law and legal ethics.

The next day, I can focus on knowing the law. How can a help a person whose problem is the law that I am studying?

For political law, how can I defend government action?
For labor law, how can I help workers protect their rights?
For civil law, how can I mediate among families, owners, and parties?
For taxation, how can a taxpayer pay the least amount of tax?
For mercantile law, how can I ensure fair competition?
For criminal law, how can I convict the guilty and free the innocent?
For remedial law, how can I give the best solutions to my client?
For legal ethics, how can I be a good lawyer?

I should believe more in myself and look at how much I have improved. I might have wrinkles in my face, but now I can say no to more people. I accept myself that I am introverted and that I need a lot of time bring alone. I have been able to work with clients, submit pleadings and my research paper, and graduate from law school. 

I am able to laugh at myself and talk about my depression. I can ask for the truth. I can be angry and forgive my father for his sins. I can accept my singlehood and hope for the best.


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