Saturday, August 23, 2014
Friday, August 22, 2014
I know this is a self-help blog and we should be optimistic.
But after my bar buddy told me to review faster, I have been reviewing less. I worked better reading morning subjects in two weeks and afternoon subjects in one week. I don't have the heart to tell him that I hate his suggestion. I hate lying to him that I finished studying when I haven't.
I'm venting here about my life and how I look bad in comparison to other people. I'm 31 years old, never married, and never had a boyfriend. I don't date men or look for men because I don't trust them in general.
My father left our family after being married to my mother for more than twenty years. So I don't just trust men, I relish the thought of killing them if they are cheating. I want to kill my father and all his mistresses. I hate that he lies a lot and that yesterday I lied to him.
So a lot of anger is holding me back from studying well. My insomnia is back with a vengeance. While I pray to pass and hope to top the bar, my actions are not in line with my beliefs.
Maybe I can just stop my need to pass the bar and focus on knowing the law. So tomorrow, I will just review a little of legal ethics. Then finish writing my exams for remedial law and legal ethics.
The next day, I can focus on knowing the law. How can a help a person whose problem is the law that I am studying?
For political law, how can I defend government action?
For labor law, how can I help workers protect their rights?
For civil law, how can I mediate among families, owners, and parties?
For taxation, how can a taxpayer pay the least amount of tax?
For mercantile law, how can I ensure fair competition?
For criminal law, how can I convict the guilty and free the innocent?
For remedial law, how can I give the best solutions to my client?
For legal ethics, how can I be a good lawyer?
I should believe more in myself and look at how much I have improved. I might have wrinkles in my face, but now I can say no to more people. I accept myself that I am introverted and that I need a lot of time bring alone. I have been able to work with clients, submit pleadings and my research paper, and graduate from law school.
I am able to laugh at myself and talk about my depression. I can ask for the truth. I can be angry and forgive my father for his sins. I can accept my singlehood and hope for the best.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
This week, Robin Williams died and the whole world mourned of his death. When I read that he took his own life, I remembered a time when I was so depressed that I considered suicide.
I was failing at university and not attending my classes any more. I just went to the library everyday and read books that I liked. I should have told my parents that I did not want to go to school any more. I could have gone on a leave of absence. But instead, I lived a lie and continued to keep up appearances of going to school when I wasn't.
This was the time that I read books and websites on suicide. I did not want to put my family to shame so I read on suicide methods that could be seen as accidents. Drowning, asphyxiating, and falling are fatal methods that seem accidental. Asphyxiation means losing oxygen supply to the brain. You could lose oxygen by choking, hanging, and poisoning.
My plan was to choke on rice while drunk. I tried drinking a bottle of rhum and eating a lot of rice but I ended up vomiting everything. I gave up on my suicide attempt. Eventually, I had to tell my family that I was on academic suspension for one year. They were very kind and forgiving to me. That's why I love and forgive so much, though I don't show it. I love much because I have been forgiven much.
If you're experiencing depression and contemplating suicide, seek help. Talk to a trusted family member or friend. Call a suicide hotline or the emergency number in you area. This pain is temporary. Hang in there. Things will get better.
Monday, August 04, 2014
Harper Lee's To Kill A Mockingbird
Selfless and Morally Sound, your story unfolds within the heartbreakingly honest pages of Harper Lee's TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD. Tride, true, and honest - yours is a life of helping others. Intolerance and bigotry infuriate you, and you have a very hard time understanding how anyone could think in such a manner. You are driven to do good by others, not only because it's right - but because that's simply who you are.